No Burgers!.gif

No burger for you!


So it should be clear now. I like burgers. I eat them a lot. In fact, at one point, this way of eating healthy became the burger diet. Seriously. Not just beef either. Salmon, Chicken, peanut butter, whatever. All burgers.

Anyway, for some reason, burgers are like the Demonic Grail of dieting. Friends, I’m here to tell you all; it’s a lie. All a lie!

Burgers True Form

Burgers to official “diets”

This one is remarkably simple. There’s a rumor going around that only fatty, low-percentage beef makes juicy burgers. For a burger to taste good, it can be no more than 80% lean. That’s like saying chard doesn’t taste good unless it’s 80% red. (It doesn’t; bad example)

I noticed in a lot of these examples, these false claims of burger juice, that they had a few things in common. By their cherry-picked stats, yes, they’re right. But I can fix that.

  • Use extra lean beef. Like 93%. Grind a steak if you want, it doesn’t matter. “But it’s so dry!” Hence, point 2, er, dot under this:
  • The patty has to be big. I eat half pound burgers. And I lose weight. “But isn’t that terrible? Half a pound?” Yeah, I guess. It’s the big boy on the restaurant menu. It depends on your size, but anything lower than 1/3 pound probably will be dry. But that’s okay, because a half pound of 93% beef has less calories than 73% beef. And protein helps you to feel full!
  • Supposing you’re still having trouble (or want McDonald’s size patties for some reason) add an egg to the mix. I have chickens, so I add eggs to most things, but maybe those white store ones work fine? First world problems.
  • Don’t overcook. If you’re one of those Cro-Magnons that shudder at the site of pink on the meat, might as well give up now… On life. These burgers are juicy if they aren’t overcooked=not charred black

And that’s it. Oh yeah, directions. This is for a clamshell grill, I use a small Cusinart from Costco:

  • Turn the grill on 325
  • Add seasonings, to taste. I use just salt and pepper. Simple.
  • Add a few drops of Worcestershire sauce
  • Toss some onions on the grill unless you’re one of those allergics or whatever that won’t eat them.
  • Cook for about 8 minutes, then open up and add cheese if you want. Muenster is good.
  • Stick on some lettuce or tomatoes or pickles or anything else that makes it look healthy.

So cheesey

Then eat it! Burgers. I’d recommend Litehouse 1000 island for pseudo Mac sauce, or Portland ketchup for low-cal burgers if you’re lucky enough to have it around.

2 thoughts on “Burgers

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