Video Games can teach you a lot of things about life that you just can’t learn anywhere else. Here are 55 things they have taught me that will stick with me my entire life. Feel free to add anything!
1. If you have over 50% body fat, your lifespan actually increases. You can be sliced, stabbed, kicked, punched, shot, or even walk out of an explosion. Obesity saves lives.
2. If you get shot, simply hide behind a wall for about 10 seconds and you can go about your life as if nothing happened. Feel free to repeat as often as necessary.
3. If injured, merely touch the first aid kit and be healed! No procedure or contents required!
4. Your lifelong friends will betray you for money eventually. Just give it time.
5. Thugs paid to work for a villainous cause are undeterred. They will even chase after you if the building they are in is rigged to explode in seconds.
6. Only people on your side can ever change their mind about their beliefs. A little bit of cash can bring out the devil.
7. The 1998 Lions will beat the Broncos every time.
8. John Elway can repeatedly run 100 yards and make a touchdown.
9. Beware of the mastermind. They may look old and feeble, but sitting in their chair all day makes them more formidable hand to hand fighters than a black belt.
10. The more you hurt someone, the faster, stronger, and more versatile they become.
11. There is always room on your body to carry another gun.
12. The clone of you is always more powerful in every way.
13. If someone throws a red turtle shell at you, turn a corner immediately!
14. Eating food cures injuries. This includes bullet wounds, broken bones, and anything that doesn’t kill you.
15. Certain birds have feathers that can bring someone back to life.
16. There is, in fact, a mushroom that can make you triple in size immediately.
17. Magazines are negligible when loading guns. Only the amount of bullets matter.
18. Untrained tweens can destroy a tyrannical empire. They learn to fight along the way.
19. The military always screws over their best men to make them even tougher… And they always seek vengeance.
20. A one-winged airplane can be fixed midflight by touching a hologram.
21. If you jump off of certain objects just the right way and land at just the right place, they will bounce you a thousand feet in the air. You will land unharmed.
22. You can freeze time and assess the situation whenever it feels necessary.
23. There are ancient ruins in every forest.
24. Rattlesnakes love to hide in antiques.
25. It is possible to get a doctorate before becoming a teenager.
26. Children can run through hundreds of monsters and demons unscathed. Adults must fight them off. It sucks to grow up.
27. You can retry unwanted events to make them turn out better at will.
28. If you punch the ground hard enough, you can actually send out a shockwave that can kill everything.
29. Front flips and cartwheels make bullets pass right through you.
30. Ken Griffey Jr. can hit a home run every time as long as he has time to point to the fence.
31. If you hit a golf ball right in the sweet spot as hard as you can, it will start on fire.
32. Anyone who shows you a burn is a liar. Fire doesn’t leave any traces. But it still hurts.
33. 1 in 10 people look exactly the same. They even wear the same clothes.
34. Flight can be attained by attaching a raccoon tail to your butt and running fast, then jumping.
35. Bullets can be found frequently in the corners of warehouses or abandoned office buildings.
36. Wooden boxes always hold valuable objects.
37. You can run twice as fast as normal by stepping on certain floor panels.
39. The more attractive a person, the better they fight.
40. It is easy to sprint in heels and a dress.
41. Men in standard military uniforms are stupid and die from fender benders.
42. The color of a person’s clothes determines what weapon they will carry.
43. A Smith and Wesson Revolver does the equivalent damage of a tank shell.
44. You can tap someone on the shoulder and hide in a box and they’ll never know there was anyone there. Seriously.
45. Dead people’s bodies dissolve into ammunition.
46. A flipped over vehicle always explodes.
47. Gravity can be changed by pulling a lever.
48. All places that conduct research are fitted with a self-destruct module.
49. There is a substance that can heal someone in critical condition or even bring them back to life the moment it enters the bloodstream.
50. Millions of square miles of cities filled with mercenaries and fortresses filled with all manner of rooms can be built in minutes. Too bad roads don’t get repaired that fast.
51. Putting away library books always leads to something good.
52. Everyone speaks English. Even aliens, zombies, nazis, and animals.
53. People will wait an eternity for you to respond to a question without getting impatient.
54. You can keep a 5000-pound dragon in a 10cc red and white ball
55. NEVER attack a chicken