Solar Eclipse 2017 – The ApocEclipse

Living near Portland OR, I was one of the lucky few that got to be near the path of totality for the ApocEclipse. People around a hundred miles away were coming from all parts of the country and paying up to $1500 a night for a chance at a couple minutes of darkness. Since my apartment was at an area of over 99% obscurity, I chose to take a walk in the park instead of enduring dangerous freeway stops on I-5.  As someone who was already in the path of the eclipse, I didn’t have to do much to see it, while other people took days off over a year in advance. But was it worth all the trouble for them? And should you be planning for your great grandkids to return to Earth and fly to the North Pole in 2090? Read on to find out!

Santa Eclipse

As an immortal, Santa’s okay with waiting until Solar Eclipse 2090.

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Kramerica

Kramerica’s Freeways

Someohow, Kramerica made it to my hometown.

In one week, I had the privilege to see both sides of how the American government works. Somehow, they can be both incredibly efficient and painfully inefficient at the same time. It all depends on the job.

It’s a given that the government can’t get simple things done. So much so, that you have to preface any difference as the exception. Well, this week was one such exception.

Driving towards Portland in the morning, there’s no escaping traffic. Even if you get up at 5AM. But there was always one part of the morning commute that was relatively pain free. The first three miles or so where the the freeway expands to a third lane was rarely congested because us peons would have the chance to expand. Until this week. Tuesday was normal. But on Wednesday, it was stop and go right off my exit. I figured it was an accident. Then I got to this gem:

Traffic Revision

Read: Misery Ahead

Okay, so they were going to do some roadwork. The third season of the year, road crews blocking every conceivable path to a destination. But no, there were no cones or trucks on the side of the road. Instead, as I was about to change to my usual lane, I was greeted with this:

Black out lane-lines one and three, and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise.

Yep, somehow, they took away an entire lane overnight.. Overnight. Without warning even. And this wasn’t some temporary, orange cone job either. It had paint, egg bumpies, and everything. Like it had always been that way. And it covered more than a mile at two major merge points. Overnight!

Meanwhile, last winter there was a piece of a city dock that broke off from the rest of it during a major winter storm. They retrieved the 20-foot piece and set it right next to main portion. Fixes were supposedly supposed to be done in about 3 weeks.

Fast forward over 8 months, and it’s still not done. One of my coworkers got curious and wrote the city because the broken dock was part of our walking path. And he gets a message “Greetings, We had an engineer assess the structure and compare the winter damage against current codes for in-water structures and work. The engineer’s estimate reported that it would cost $1.1 million dollars to construct a new dock for the badly degraded long section that parallels the river.”

Million Dollars

With all the inspections, re-engineering, coding fees…

Over a million dollars. To fix a 20 foot section. They went on to say that it would end up costing less to build a new one, so it will remain closed indefinitely. 100 years ago if a dock broke, someone could just put a few two by fours and a piece of plywood over it and fix it in a few hours. Now? A crew of engineers and more than I’ve made my whole life.

How could it cost so much? And take so long? They’ve already proven they can work quickly… That’s when I realized the truth. The government can work efficiently….

But only when they’re making life miserable.

Batmen Towing Logo

Unbeatable Towing You Need And Deserve

I came across this little gem at work. It’s a real site, but unfortunately, not so much creativity for the pages themselves. I could fix that for them. But if anyone needs towing in Riverside, CA, come here.

At Batmen Towing Inc, We’re Always Watching

Batmen Towing Protection

Whether it’s in the middle of the afternoon or Dark Knight, count on us to rescue your car. We glide over the competition with benefits such as:

  • Riddled by car problems? Let our car detectives solve your puzzles with roadside assistance.
  • Lock your cape in your Dodge Crusader? We’ll unlock your vehicle with state-of-the-art tech.
  • Other tow trucks Robin you? Your Pennies are Worth more with us!
  • Our top-of-the-line equipment is reliable and won’t Fries up when you need it most.

Cat got your vehicle?

If your car was impounded, we’ll keep it protected. We don’t believe in killing cars if you can’t pay, and we we won’t divulge your car’s identity without proper documentation.


Our conviction to service is an immovable object

Unlike some towing companies, we aren’t Two-Face. We’ll never decide your vehicle’s fate on the whims of a coin flip. And we won’t be Jokers when it comes to treating you and your car with respect. We’re careful not to add any Dents to your car and can take you to an honest, local mechanic so it doesn’t get a Deathstroke on the way to the repair shop.


Call the batmen first for towing services in Riverside CA

We’re not just the unbeatable towing service you need, but the one you deserve

Video Game Knowledge

Every Important Fact I Need I Learned From Video Games

Video Games can teach you a lot of things about life that you just can’t learn anywhere else. Here are 55 things they have taught me that will stick with me my entire life. Feel free to add anything!

1. If you have over 50% body fat, your lifespan actually increases. You can be sliced, stabbed, kicked, punched, shot, or even walk out of an explosion. Obesity saves lives.

2. If you get shot, simply hide behind a wall for about 10 seconds and you can go about your life as if nothing happened. Feel free to repeat as often as necessary.

3. If injured, merely touch the first aid kit and be healed! No procedure or contents required!

4. Your lifelong friends will betray you for money eventually. Just give it time.

5. Thugs paid to work for a villainous cause are undeterred. They will even chase after you if the building they are in is rigged to explode in seconds.

6. Only people on your side can ever change their mind about their beliefs. A little bit of cash can bring out the devil.

7. The 1998 Lions will beat the Broncos every time.

8. John Elway can repeatedly run 100 yards and make a touchdown.

9. Beware of the mastermind. They may look old and feeble, but sitting in their chair all day makes them more formidable hand to hand fighters than a black belt.

10. The more you hurt someone, the faster, stronger, and more versatile they become.

11. There is always room on your body to carry another gun.

12. The clone of you is always more powerful in every way.

13. If someone throws a red turtle shell at you, turn a corner immediately!

14. Eating food cures injuries. This includes bullet wounds, broken bones, and anything that doesn’t kill you.

15. Certain birds have feathers that can bring someone back to life.

16. There is, in fact, a mushroom that can make you triple in size immediately.

17. Magazines are negligible when loading guns. Only the amount of bullets matter.

18. Untrained tweens can destroy a tyrannical empire. They learn to fight along the way.

19. The military always screws over their best men to make them even tougher… And they always seek vengeance.

20. A one-winged airplane can be fixed midflight by touching a hologram.

21. If you jump off of certain objects just the right way and land at just the right place, they will bounce you a thousand feet in the air. You will land unharmed.

22. You can freeze time and assess the situation whenever it feels necessary.

23. There are ancient ruins in every forest.

24. Rattlesnakes love to hide in antiques.

25. It is possible to get a doctorate before becoming a teenager.

26. Children can run through hundreds of monsters and demons unscathed. Adults must fight them off. It sucks to grow up.

27. You can retry unwanted events to make them turn out better at will.

28. If you punch the ground hard enough, you can actually send out a shockwave that can kill everything.

29. Front flips and cartwheels make bullets pass right through you.

30. Ken Griffey Jr. can hit a home run every time as long as he has time to point to the fence.

31. If you hit a golf ball right in the sweet spot as hard as you can, it will start on fire.

32. Anyone who shows you a burn is a liar. Fire doesn’t leave any traces. But it still hurts.

33. 1 in 10 people look exactly the same. They even wear the same clothes.

34. Flight can be attained by attaching a raccoon tail to your butt and running fast, then jumping.

35. Bullets can be found frequently in the corners of warehouses or abandoned office buildings.

36. Wooden boxes always hold valuable objects.

37. You can run twice as fast as normal by stepping on certain floor panels.

39. The more attractive a person, the better they fight.

40. It is easy to sprint in heels and a dress.

41. Men in standard military uniforms are stupid and die from fender benders.

42. The color of a person’s clothes determines what weapon they will carry.

43. A Smith and Wesson Revolver does the equivalent damage of a tank shell.

44. You can tap someone on the shoulder and hide in a box and they’ll never know there was anyone there. Seriously.

45. Dead people’s bodies dissolve into ammunition.

46. A flipped over vehicle always explodes.

47. Gravity can be changed by pulling a lever.

48. All places that conduct research are fitted with a self-destruct module.

49. There is a substance that can heal someone in critical condition or even bring them back to life the moment it enters the bloodstream.

50. Millions of square miles of cities filled with mercenaries and fortresses filled with all manner of rooms can be built in minutes. Too bad roads don’t get repaired that fast.

51. Putting away library books always leads to something good.

52. Everyone speaks English. Even aliens, zombies, nazis, and animals.

53. People will wait an eternity for you to respond to a question without getting impatient.

54. You can keep a 5000-pound dragon in a 10cc red and white ball

55. NEVER attack a chicken

Things that Shouldn’t Exist: Assigned Movie Theater Seating

So as a member of the Portland-metro area, I’m a regular at Cinetopia, and agree with their motto; Why would I see a movie in coach? There’s a little more leg room in the seats at Cinetopia than their competitor down the road, plus they can lean back about a half a foot or so, making them less stiff than, like they say, coach.

New Airline Seats

New airline seats in development. Yay.

But the kicker is that the original Cinetopia has Tightwad Tuesdays, a glorious event that happens every week where first-run movies cost only $5 per person in a theater that’s quite a bit above average. Sure, that means it’s a good idea to go a little earlier than normal since it’s half off, but the seats are comfy so that’s not a big deal.

Everything was good.

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Blessings and Curses: Parking Buddies

Today I’m going to start a new section of the Randoms section. Blessings and Curses are the things that for me, constantly go right and always go wrong. I’m sure it happens to all of us. Like my little brother, he has the blessing of doing stupid fairy over the shoulder swings while jumping out of bounds in tennis and having his ridiculous swing knock the ball right over the net a whole inch. And he’s not good enough to do it on purpose. Nobody is.

Somersault Tennis

Another way he returns serves.

I’m one of those awesome people that must have a lot of bonus talents or something, because I get a lot of curses. Like a metric butt tonne of curses. Some of them have gotten to the point where I just expect them. Parking buddies is one of these. It’s just like it sounds:

Parking Buddies

Park somewhere else, Dilltard.

But it gets better. This is one of those Level 2 curses. It’s not enough that I can park in an empty lot and have someone appear next to me when I get out; it’s far worse. Not only do I get some fumblejack parking next to me like this, but they always either park, or come out to their car right when I’m trying to park or leave. It’s like they purposefully get in the way.

It’s even worse when the lot is full. And it happens most trips. I can go to a completely full parking lot, like going to the State Fairground for a “We HATE (but secretly love) Justin Bieber” demonstration, and maybe one person leaves early to get a pizza before Papa John’s closes. Well that one person will come out to a lot of 15,000 cars, and not only will they be the person parked RIGHT next to me, they’ll be getting in their car right when I’m trying to leave so I have to wait for them to load up their signs, they’re toma–I mean, water bottles–and wait 10 minutes for their Model T to warm up enough to start before I can go.

Every. Day. I once went out on a trip at midnight shopping to the only four stores open in town and had it happen all four places. It can’t be coincidence. It can’t.

It’s a curse.

Urinal Buddies

How Parking Buddies feel

 Who else has curses or (by some miraculous intervention) blessings? Tell me all about them here so you can feel better about your life.

Things that shouldn’t exist: Bathroom doors that unlock on turn

So I was at the grocery store and found a legendary discovery unbeknownst to the human race: Two public restroom areas in one building! I crap you not (Actually, I did go) .

Happy Face.png

Portrait of me finding TWO bathrooms

Of course it was too good to be true.

See, while the front of the store has the standard push-open door with multiple stalls and a garbage can to toss the paper towel handle-grabber on the way out, this one was individual. Personal. Not so bad at first sight. In fact, I was overjoyed, the ultimate security to play Angry Birds or read a couple chapters or write this post… When my joy decapitated.

No way to check the lock.

Happy DEAD

Me, after the discovery

This, this was one of those bathrooms that “locks”, but there’s no make sure it’s actually locked. When you turn the handle, it unlocks itself automatically, apparently a convenience to some sort of sadistic, helpless people I’ve yet to meet. Is it locked? How can I possibly know? It’s not like my fears are unfounded; thrice in my adult life I’ve been the unfortunate victim, that pooper-opener caught with my pants down when someone innocently thinks the room in unoccupied. And twice it was women doing the opening. Why do these exist? Who made them in the first place?

Two-Way Mirror

Inventor of the uncheckable bathroom “lock”

The correct answer is: there’s no good reason. Nothing else is acceptable. “But kids can get locked in!” Is there really a pandemic of kids able to turn a lock one way but not another? Didn’t think so. There can be no justification. Quite simply, this is one thing that never should have existed.

Randoms

Just like it sounds. Anytime I find something fun or want to be clever, here be the place for it.

Monkey George

George Washing-less