Blessings and Curses: Parking Buddies

Today I’m going to start a new section of the Randoms section. Blessings and Curses are the things that for me, constantly go right and always go wrong. I’m sure it happens to all of us. Like my little brother, he has the blessing of doing stupid fairy over the shoulder swings while jumping out of bounds in tennis and having his ridiculous swing knock the ball right over the net a whole inch. And he’s not good enough to do it on purpose. Nobody is.

Somersault Tennis

Another way he returns serves.

I’m one of those awesome people that must have a lot of bonus talents or something, because I get a lot of curses. Like a metric butt tonne of curses. Some of them have gotten to the point where I just expect them. Parking buddies is one of these. It’s just like it sounds:

Parking Buddies

Park somewhere else, Dilltard.

But it gets better. This is one of those Level 2 curses. It’s not enough that I can park in an empty lot and have someone appear next to me when I get out; it’s far worse. Not only do I get some fumblejack parking next to me like this, but they always either park, or come out to their car right when I’m trying to park or leave. It’s like they purposefully get in the way.

It’s even worse when the lot is full. And it happens most trips. I can go to a completely full parking lot, like going to the State Fairground for a “We HATE (but secretly love) Justin Bieber” demonstration, and maybe one person leaves early to get a pizza before Papa John’s closes. Well that one person will come out to a lot of 15,000 cars, and not only will they be the person parked RIGHT next to me, they’ll be getting in their car right when I’m trying to leave so I have to wait for them to load up their signs, they’re toma–I mean, water bottles–and wait 10 minutes for their Model T to warm up enough to start before I can go.

Every. Day. I once went out on a trip at midnight shopping to the only four stores open in town and had it happen all four places. It can’t be coincidence. It can’t.

It’s a curse.

Urinal Buddies

How Parking Buddies feel

 Who else has curses or (by some miraculous intervention) blessings? Tell me all about them here so you can feel better about your life.

Things that shouldn’t exist: Bathroom doors that unlock on turn

So I was at the grocery store and found a legendary discovery unbeknownst to the human race: Two public restroom areas in one building! I crap you not (Actually, I did go) .

Happy Face.png

Portrait of me finding TWO bathrooms

Of course it was too good to be true.

See, while the front of the store has the standard push-open door with multiple stalls and a garbage can to toss the paper towel handle-grabber on the way out, this one was individual. Personal. Not so bad at first sight. In fact, I was overjoyed, the ultimate security to play Angry Birds or read a couple chapters or write this post… When my joy decapitated.

No way to check the lock.

Happy DEAD

Me, after the discovery

This, this was one of those bathrooms that “locks”, but there’s no make sure it’s actually locked. When you turn the handle, it unlocks itself automatically, apparently a convenience to some sort of sadistic, helpless people I’ve yet to meet. Is it locked? How can I possibly know? It’s not like my fears are unfounded; thrice in my adult life I’ve been the unfortunate victim, that pooper-opener caught with my pants down when someone innocently thinks the room in unoccupied. And twice it was women doing the opening. Why do these exist? Who made them in the first place?

Two-Way Mirror

Inventor of the uncheckable bathroom “lock”

The correct answer is: there’s no good reason. Nothing else is acceptable. “But kids can get locked in!” Is there really a pandemic of kids able to turn a lock one way but not another? Didn’t think so. There can be no justification. Quite simply, this is one thing that never should have existed.