Follow the Cheddar Brick Road: D. Thomas’ Journey

We’re all fat in one way or another. Some people are fat in riches, others in fame. Me? I’m just fat on food.

I’ve been at the weight loss thing for awhile. Known as Buddha Baby growing up, I’ve been “well-endowed” in all the wrong places before I could walk or talk. Bad metabolism, thyroid, toxins from pulled Orange Slice soda, I’m not sure what to blame. And right up until my senior year of high school, that’s how it was. Then, since I was already stuck in PE, I thought I’d try and make more drastic changes, see if it could work. Surprisingly, it did. Success!

Successball

Try hard enough and you’ll learn baseballs are made of chocolate cake.

 

Then I got married.

And like many people, I ballooned back up, beyond my initial high point towards infinity. Finally after a few years of feeling the ocean blues, both me and the wife decided it was time for us to hop off the gravy train and onto the quinoa handcart. But how?

I tried a lot of things over the years. Slowly, we cut out the things that were obviously bad–sugar soda, triple-layered all meat pizza, fried chicken buffet, so on. Of course the weight sticks like flies to a horse’s ass and dropped a hell of a lot slower than it stacked on. But each time, I learned a little more, until finally, I cracked the secret: Don’t give up the foods. Just make them better.

It’s really that simple. The strange part is, after eating some of these substitutions I’ll go over in this blog like turkey pepperoni over pork/beef/squid pepperoni I don’t even want to go back. The healthy foods taste good, because they’re not “healthy” foods at all: they’re the good tasting finger-lickin’ good without the grease. I eat a half pound burger and a couple of loaded burritos and pizza every week, yet the weight goes down. Hard to believe, I know, and not without some failures. Pictures help, but of course, I could be making it all up and secretly be drinking a liter of cabbage water a day, but ain’t nobody survive on that. Take my word for it (Tried the liquid diet, plegh)

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Trust me, I didn’t spend 10 years and over 500 attempts perfecting sourdough pizza to replace it with bran muffins and unsweetened green tea. And with those weekly pizzas, I’ve transformed from boulder man above to largish-rock man below.

Post Weight Loss.jpg

3 years later, and yes, that’s my Finalist ribbon. Perks of healthy eating I guess?

I still have a ways to go, but I’m over half way done. Down over 50 lbs over the last year, I intend to eat these foods for the rest of my life, because not only are they healthy, they taste damn good (mostly thanks to the wife, but she’s gracious enough to include her secret recipes!) and there won’t be a reason to quit this lifestyle change.

And wasn’t the goal of dieting to not have to diet all along?

D. Thomas Joe

Me, in 3 more years of eating healthy

 

Don’t give up the pizza!

Normal dieting is a lot like this.

 

And it’s hard. As fat old TV personalities say, “I have to die from something!” and seeing what some people choose to eat on diets like a 32 oz smoothie for an entire day, I’ll take the premature scythe. As horrible as those fad diets are, they don’t really work, do they? Often, after a little while, they end up like this.

Be chubby or give up the point of living? Tough call. How about neither? Over the past five years I’ve developed ways to devour entire pizzas and still lose weight, no gel pills required. Don’t believe me? Fair enough. Yes, there’s a catch; it’s not as easy as going out to get a triple-all meat pizza hut with a size of cheesy bacon bread. The key is homemade, making these things with different, healthier ingredients. I have unlocked this incredible secret. And I am willing to share without even the cost of Handling fees.