Ancient Stories I Once Wrote

The Tale of Tyrel, a Male out of Jail.

So this rough diamond appeared on my Facebook page today. I thought I wrote this for college for a challenge, but I guess I did it nearly ten years ago, where the challenge was to use only ONE rhyme sound (and near-rhymes) as often as possible and create some sort of story. 

A later version of this ALSO had 21 syllables in each line, but I have no idea where it is but I’ll post it when I find it. But for now, enjoy the Director’s Cut!

Ancient Stories I Once Wrote

The Tale of Tyrel, a Male out of Jail.

My name is Tyrel, and I’m going to tell, of a time that I easily got out of jail.
How did I prevail? I can’t merely tell and I have to say that you would probably fail.

One day the guard Dale, was walking and fell, and while he did wail his lip started to swell.
He said “Oh holy grail! Why be I so frail!” I sensed in him ail, the visage he had being all white and pale.

As slow as a snail, I reached through the rail and grabbed what felt like it must be a bell.
This holy grail, meant you this frail male Dale? Your ail where you fail will make me prevail!

With time growing stale, there was not time to wail, quickly I had to blaze this dead trail!
At first all went well, then a yell “You aren’t Dale!” the source of the yell, something I must quail!

Like the first-class mail, this Dale saw me sail, out of the jail, and straight out of Hell!
I stayed on a trail, ‘til I knew it not well, and suddenly ran into a rather large male.

“My name’s Christian Bale.” I heard the male tell, a man no mistake was not a frail Dale.
Cared I for his tale? Not when fresh out of jail, and I told Christian Bale “Go straight down to Hell.”

Not knowing Bale well, the male grabbed me with a yell, “Now you go to a place where no cab you can hail!”
And with that Christian Bale threw me into a deep well.

But I fell on… a whale?
Ha, Christian Bale! Tyrel did prevail, he never can fail, you slimy old snail!

On that whale I did sail, down an underground trail until I arrived at the town of Fontraile.
Thank you kind whale, sending me through the dell, my means of escape from that old wretched well!

I walked through Fontraile, a town hard to spell well, could you believe who I saw, Ha, not Christian Bale!
It was Walter Winchell, reporter tell-tale, and beside then I inhale a kind of good smell!

“Hi Walter Winchell, my name is Tyrel, I wonder have you any baked goods to sell?”
“Tyrel, and a male… I wonder are you the same that I heard did sail out of jail?”

“I did sail on a whale, and met Christian Bale. Know you that he would yell at a male reading Braille?
“Surely you aren’t well, for I know Christian Bale, he built a monorail for those needing Braille!”

All was not well, I could easily tell, and I knew I must bid Walter Winchell farewell!
“Farewell sir Winchell, you’re right I’m not well, I ate a blue scale with a taste rather stale!”

Away from Fontraile, I did flail with no trail until I fell over a yellow lunch pail.
A yellow lunch pail? Within Ginger Ale? Through what sort of veil had I Tyrel fell?

Besides Ginger Ale, there was also a quail, within that lunch pail that I did also unveil.
It had an odd smell, that oddly placed quail, so I tossed that stale quail, right over the rail.

Over the rail came an overweight male, with the appearance of one who once went to Yale.
And on the drail of the male was the very same quail, that stale quail that I’d tossed right over the rail!

“Make reason prevail, do not send a quail, over a rail for someone you may nail.”
My look did look stale, and I wanted to bail, but I tripped on the lid of the yellow lunch pail!

Then the male from Yale, I did hear him yell,
“By chance are you he whom they tell is Tyrel?”

I ran from sir Yale and he could not prevail,
And boy did he wail, “TYREL! TYREL!” As he chased at pace that could rival a snail.

My name is Tyrel, I escaped from jail, but how Yale knew, I couldn’t quite tell.
I ran down a path with no trail, when there in a sudden I read “Welcome to Crail.”

Inside of Crail, I moved like a gale, when all of sudden it started to hail!
And it fell, fell, fell, all over poor Crail! Oh how swell, how swell was the this gale around Crail!

“There is Tyrel, the bloke from the jail!” I heard some angry old townspeople yell.
I backed up and did quail, it seemed I would fail, when I thought I could take the near brail and rappel

And rappel I did well, away from Crail and the ever enlarging golf ball sized hail!
I thought it went well but I could never foretell that below would be something unwell…

The frail male Dale! I could instantly tell, that things were about to become quite unwell.
Above they dumped ale, in one was a nail, and below was to fail by the frail male named Dale!

They would never prevail! Tyrel would not fail!
Then came the male from near Yale with the quail.

He yelled with the gail, “Ha ha, Tyrel, you’ve been Caught by the snail!”  and seeing the snail, I must have done fail.
And he threw down at me the yellow lunch pail, And I fell, fell, fell… Right on top of the frail male named Dale.

“It’s over Tyrel, now come back to jail! Do not force me to pell you, Tyrel!”
“Aren’t You the frail Dale? You cannot prevail!” I taunted, I shouted, I laughed and did yell.

But Dale did flail out, a sheet of chain mail, and an item I did know was meant to impale.
“I give in frail Dale, I’ll go back to jail! But know it was from you that I escaped from that Jail!”

The townsfolk of Crail, they cried and did wail, “Hooray bad Tyrel, you’ll go back to jail!”
The fat male from Yale, he brandished his quail, “Goodbye grim Tyrel, I will see you in Hell!”

My arms did not flail; I did not yell, I was simply defeated, brought back by male Dale.
And now where I hail, is back in that jail, while outside grins smugly that once frail male Dale.

My name is Tyrel, and one day I’ll tell, of the time when forever I got out of jail.

Bachelor Seattle

Bachelor Seattle

*Disclaimer: No, I’m not single, I’m happily married, but this is how an old school SEO dating page would look!*

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How a Business Book Applies to Writing

Recently, I read The Go-Giver by Bob Burg and John David Mann. And even though it’s a tool hijacked by Amway recruiters,  it has some solid principles of good business strategies that I’ve always personally stood by. But what about the writing itself? Not so great. While it’s a world I don’t plan on entering, it got me to think about writing, and how if you want to use writing as a business (aka, make money with it) some of the ideas translate well to quality writing.

They have 5 laws of “Stratospheric Success”, which I’ll draw from to make “The Laws of Stratospheric Novel Writing”(No aliens required). To keep it simple, I’ll only use three. And like many laws, you break it, you buy it.

  1. Be authentic

As easy as this sounds, it’s one a lot of people have a hard time following. As a youngling, I was one of them. I remember writing stories growing up and being obsessed with the Flesch reading ease test and the grading level it gave in Word. But since this isn’t actual people, but a program (and an old one at the time), it’s not like it could actually read or interpret my words. So how do they do it? With MATH!

206.835 – (1.015 x Average words per sentence) – (84.6 x Average syllables per word) = Readability Ease

And for grade level,

0.39 x Average words per sentence +11.8 x Average syllables per word -15.59

So obvious, how could I miss it? 206.835, of course! Using MATH to figure out if words make sense! I wonder if the reverse is true…?

0x =   Sox Wow! It is!

And trying to adjust my writing to increase my grade level to make me feel smarter did no favors to the writing. Phrases like “As soon as he had a grand enough inferno initiated” for starting a campfire doesn’t do much good for he, the fire, or the reader.

This is often the case when authors try to write to please someone else. And whether that someone else is your friends, publishers, or an imaginary audience, changing to try to fit someone else’s ideals usually means lower quality for everyone. And if you don’t believe me, agent Chip MacGregor touched up on this in a recent blog post.

2. Take constructive criticism

This is mostly for trying to get your work published, since if you’re writing for fun or for yourself, who cares what anyone else says? Giant pizza-cats planning to turn the universe into a litter box from within the sun’s core? Sure.

But for query letters, competitions, and the like, if you want someone to look at it and they have an idea to improve it, it could be for the best. Of course, some people will find problems in everything, even Jack Black’s best song in the world. So when that happens, look back at number 1; are they trying to change the story to something that’s no longer yours? You might be better off ignoring it. But if they genuinely want to help you make your story better, keep the advice in mind.

3. Read!

While it’s true that a solid way to get better at your own writing is to read, there’s another reason for that. You want people to read your work, right? Other people want the same! Wow! What a coincidence!

Reading is in essence giving back to the community. Like taxes. Or something good that’s the same thing. Tom’s shoes maybe? No, more like stuffed gorillas.

Reading other authors helps in a lot of ways. It helps them feel valued. Or get a bigger paycheck. But it also helps you. You can get positive inspiration–things that you’ll want to add to your own writing–or negative inspiration–things you definitely don’t want in your own writing–that will improve your writing either way. Plus it can give your Netflix queue a break.

And always remember, vigilantes break the laws for the greater good!

Spam Can

Scam in the Spam Can

We all get scam emails, probably every day. And in the midst of winning foreign lotteries and lost royalty reaching out, there’s some real gems. While they’re trying to steal your credit cards, you identity, and even your dog, they might as well be a little more direct. They should try something like this instead:

From: <AmericanBanker911@hotmail.com>

Subject: Your Bank Account has Been Suspended

Dear Valued Member,

This email is to advise you that several invalid login attempts have been made at your online account at either US Bank, Bank of America, or Wells Fargo. To protect your privacy, the specific bank has not been identified and your account has been temporarily suspended.

In order for your account to be reactivated, please update your information by sending us the following information: Name of Institution, Username, Password, Mother’s Maiden Name, Name of First Pet, High School Mascot, and Model of First Car.

Your account is important to us. Please reply as quickly as possible so your account may be reinstated.

American Bankers Protection Union

Note: Attempting to log in to online banking before replying with verified account information will result in permanent termination of account and all funds within.

The most professional of writers

I got a writing job!

So it’s been a bit since I’ve been here. But for good reason. After devoting every free (and the rest of them too) moment of my time to writing, editing, and revising One Last Day, once it was finally complete there was a void. Of course, I’ve started working on a draft, but draft work isn’t nearly as intense.

Plus it’s time to get a house.

I did pretty good in school. And I have a degree, so figured I’d see if I can use it for something. Anyway, I weeded through some of those obviously fake jobs for a bit until I came across one that seemed legit. It paid a fair amount and didn’t need 56 years experience as a Dictator of a foreign Universe.

So now I’m a content writer, and I help make people get found on Google. It’s a good use of my skills and probably more useful than proofreading corporate pizza manuals.  Because I’m working full time and have to keep up on my own projects, I’ll probably be doing these posts once a week now. On Saturdays. (Or FAKE Saturdays since I can make them post whenever I want) But tomorrow is Christmas Eve, so, yeah. Next week. Plus the hinge on my metal keyboard laptop snapped off so I can’t open or close it, so it’s off to Repairland. For free thankfully. Buy them at Costco. Seriously.

No, I haven’t given up on being an author and I’m still going to write books. Always will. Hopefully it’ll work out eventually, and either way, I’ll be getting in a lot of practice. Because now I write for work. And then when I get home. Sometimes when I travel.

 

The Query Letter and Purpose of a Literary Agent

writingthedreamblog put up an excellent post today about Literary Agents and why aspiring authors might want to try for an agent instead of going straight to the publisher. I’ll be writing my own thoughts on this, but there’s some good advice here.



Hello, everyone! I just sent out my first batch of query letters to several literary agents (*crosses fingers excitedly*), so for this post I thought I would focus on the subject of literary agents…

Source: The Query Letter and Purpose of a Literary Agent

What To Do When You Sit Down To Pitch Your Novel In-Person

It’s always good to hear information from someone that knows what they’re talking about. And since I haven’t done the longer pitches, hearing how they work from a literary agent is probably better than any crazy theory I could come up with.



After attending conferences around North America for the past 6 years I’ve seen an array of pitching techniques. Some good. Some…not so good. I get it. It’s not easy to pitch your…

Source: What To Do When You Sit Down To Pitch Your Novel In-Person

The Two-Tiered Train Trip Tautogram

The Two-Tiered Train Trip Tautogram

Timmy traveled through the train’s Trough. The train’s Trough took these troubled travelers to their terminus.

Tommy traveled through the train’s Top Tier. The train’s Top Tier took these tony travelers to their terminus.

 

 

Timmy thought the train trip traversed terribly. Terrible, terrible, terribly trite! Timmy thought. Timmy thought that the train’s tycoon treated these trembling travelers trimly.

Tommy thought the train trip traversed terrifically. Terrific, terrific, terrifically tip-top! Tommy thought. Tommy thought that the train’s tycoon treated these trusting travelers thrillingly. Continue reading

The Writing Process: How Similar is too Similar?

Originality. That’s what sells. Tell that to the over 25 movie reboots/sequels and this hefty list of the same thing on TV in 2016. Yes, there’s a lot.

Blank Paper

A list of original ideas from Hollywood this year

Then there’s the argument that there’s only 7 plots. I don’t buy into that oversimplification personally, because really, there’s ONE plot. Yep, that’s it. Here it is: “There’s a conflict. It’s resolved” (NOT being resolved counts as a way of being resolved, strangely enough). So really, every story is just a derivative of Gilgamesh, because it was the first we know of to use the ONE plot.

Continue reading